i don't know

ft. existential crisis?

life sucks!! as if every one doesn’t already know that lol. (that’s why we’re all on substack) but bear with me for a minute.

a little about me before starting is that i am the most outgoing and extrovert person you can possibly meet. love talking to new people or just talking in general. i love to go out. love dressing up. helping people. getting to know new stuff and places. imagine a crossover between pooh and geet. yup that’s me!! but the problem with being the life of the room is that you’re eventually sucked dry of life yourself. and then people stop inviting you to parties until the only room you’re welcome in is yours.

i dont know how it started but only that it did. it started off with me not putting my jewelry in its place i guess. i forgot to keep a track of it.(i dreaded staying at home). then my shoes were piling up under my bed (dancing became tiring). the hooks behind my doors were loaded with clothes (food is not appetizing now). there are books and notes and assignments on half of my bed (writer’s block lasting too long). haven’t washed my hair for days (college is exhausting too). unread texts and missed calls flooding my phone (why are people trying to talk to me?!?! don’t they have stuff to do!?!?!). there is a me sized indent in one side of my bed (“parents’ said no to going out sorry”- i didn’t ask). i have been watching this spider knit its web for weeks now (everything is…).

my mom noticed this time (must’ve been quite a change). she said - “aarjoo i think you have symptoms of depression and you need to get your life back on track”. she has a master’s degree in psychology and imagine a brown parent diagnosing their not so adult teenager with depression. and that too me!! if i go up to people and tell them i am depressed, they’d laugh in my face. even i would cuz cmon me?? but i did not laugh. i did not become sadder. it did not stress me out. nothing in me shifted. i guess i’d been feeling this way for too long. i’ve grown myself into or rather shrunk myself into this cast of a person i could not imagine myself as 6 months ago. dropped parts of myself somewhere on the way. everyone complains i have changed. but going back and picking myself up seems too much and i am exhausted.

i wanted this post to be fun and witty to cope with my feelings. or atleast heart wrenching to move people. but this ended up being like me - blank. there is nothing you can learn from it. there is no revelation. no lessons. no solutions. the best i can offer through this post is familiarity. that if you feel like this, you’re not alone. and i don’t even know if that helps or not.

i dont know what i am gonna do. i dont know what i should do. i dont know if i am gonna do anything or not.

i just dont know.

also, should i clean my room?

xoxo, aarjoo<3